Acceptance

As I continue to move towards acceptance and seek out support and others’ stories, I find I have a lot to be thankful for. My miscarriage was natural, no medical intervention required. I was only 6 weeks along; others have had miscarriages after hearing the babies heartbeat and after giving the baby a name. 

 

A blighted ovum is what my doctor called it. Mother nature screening out weakness so that in a matter of months I can have a healthy baby? Is a few months really all that bad of a trade off? In order to have a healthy baby? 

 

Some of the most heartbreaking stories I have read have been women who have had multiple miscarriages. I can’t imagine the strength it takes to endure that pain of miscarriage multiple times. I honestly don’t know if I’d be strong enough. And even thinking about trying to get pregnant again scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to go through this again. I just don’t want to. 

 

So I’ve been doing what I think is best. Taking time off for myself. Crying til my eyes are dry. Watching lots of TV to distract my crazy mind. Eating Oreo’s because it helps (it really does :)) Letting friends support me. Slacking on dishes and laundry. Because I feel if I don’t properly grieve this miscarriage, it will sneak up and bite me later. 

 

My doctor had wanted to see me for a follow up; it was supposed to be my second sonogram. I broke down with the nurse when she asked about the sonogram. My doctor came in and was so supportive. She shared my exact thoughts. “People who shouldn’t have babies have them. I’ve done the right things. Why did this happen to me?” She also shared she’s been through this. I think the fact that I know I’m not alone in this experience is the biggest consolation. What a crappy consolation right?? If you have been through this, I’M SO SORRY. I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone. 

 

And now….. Grey’s Anatomy marathon on Lifetime? I think I will. 

 

-Alexis

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My New World…

As you can see I am not a serious blogger. I start then get busy and go months without logging in. Also if you’ve read other posts, you can see that I don’t have too much to worry about. I have been blessed and have sometimes considered my life to be safe and boring. There was one time that I prayed to God to send me something to spice up my life. That didn’t turn out well. It definitely spiced up my life and not for the good.

That was my world before July 17, 2013. Now, it is different. I have worries beyond sharing how I met my husband or what my goals for this year are. And as no female wants to know, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT THIS IS LIKE. I don’t want to have a miscarriage. I don’t want to cry all the time. I don’t want to experience this anxiety. But this is my new world.

My new world is crying in front of my class today after someone simply asked if I was okay and then having to pull myself together to present about psych meds. How appropriate.

My new world is wondering if I’ll ever feel completely happy again. If I will always feel this hurt and heartbreak? Will I be able to recover? Where do I go from here?

All I can do during this time is seek out others’ experiences and find peace and hope through them. So if I’ve commented on a post of yours, I want to again say Thank You for helping me navigate my new world.

Heartbreak

I learned I was pregnant on June 27th, almost 3 weeks ago. We had been trying for 3 months and I felt very blessed that this pregnancy came so quickly. I prayed daily that God would bless me with a healthy pregnancy. My husband was excited and if you knew him, you’d know it takes a lot for him to become excited. It was a big deal for us. We decided to keep it to ourselves until we saw a heartbeat. I told my best friend and a friend I go to school with. That was it.

I began to have some complications the day before my first OB appointment. We had an ultrasound and the doctor said because it was so early, it wasn’t unusual to not see anything, particularly a heartbeat yet. I was ordered to have additional blood work to look at HCG and progesterone levels. The complications continued and increased over the weekend and I called to follow up about these levels on Monday. My doctor’s nurse informed me my HCG was 629 and progesterone was also low. At 5 weeks, 6 days, HCG should have been higher no doubt. At that point I knew what could only be confirmed with additional blood work. Miscarriage. The additional blood work was ordered. Today my doctor called me to confirm.

While I wasn’t pregnant for a long time, I was in love with my baby. And heartbreak is the only way to describe this feeling. My husband has been amazing and has only solidified the fact that I am incredibly blessed to be married to a man who is so supportive and loving. My friends have also been very supportive but I still feel devastated and feel my biggest supports at this time can only be those who have went through this experience. So please, share with me your stories and how you coped through your own heartbreak.