As I continue to move towards acceptance and seek out support and others’ stories, I find I have a lot to be thankful for. My miscarriage was natural, no medical intervention required. I was only 6 weeks along; others have had miscarriages after hearing the babies heartbeat and after giving the baby a name.
A blighted ovum is what my doctor called it. Mother nature screening out weakness so that in a matter of months I can have a healthy baby? Is a few months really all that bad of a trade off? In order to have a healthy baby?
Some of the most heartbreaking stories I have read have been women who have had multiple miscarriages. I can’t imagine the strength it takes to endure that pain of miscarriage multiple times. I honestly don’t know if I’d be strong enough. And even thinking about trying to get pregnant again scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to go through this again. I just don’t want to.
So I’ve been doing what I think is best. Taking time off for myself. Crying til my eyes are dry. Watching lots of TV to distract my crazy mind. Eating Oreo’s because it helps (it really does :)) Letting friends support me. Slacking on dishes and laundry. Because I feel if I don’t properly grieve this miscarriage, it will sneak up and bite me later.
My doctor had wanted to see me for a follow up; it was supposed to be my second sonogram. I broke down with the nurse when she asked about the sonogram. My doctor came in and was so supportive. She shared my exact thoughts. “People who shouldn’t have babies have them. I’ve done the right things. Why did this happen to me?” She also shared she’s been through this. I think the fact that I know I’m not alone in this experience is the biggest consolation. What a crappy consolation right?? If you have been through this, I’M SO SORRY. I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone.
And now….. Grey’s Anatomy marathon on Lifetime? I think I will.