Push and Pull

I feel like my emotions are constantly in a tug o’ war. And constantly is an understatement. At this point my miscarriage consumes my every thought. I know this isn’t healthy. I know this is a common occurrence. I know my chances of conceiving again are good. I know my chances of miscarriage again are low. I KNOW ALL OF THIS but I don’t feel it in my heart. In my heart I feel sadness, loneliness, grief, anxiety, and many other difficult emotions. I find myself isolating from others. Thank God for my husband. And others who have gone through this who make me feel like I’m not going crazy because I’m quite sure the rest of the world would definitely think I’m going crazy if they really, REALLY knew where I’m at.

I have googled every single thing you can think of relating to miscarriage. I find that women who have experienced miscarriage are often expected to bounce back and accept that it is a common “thing”. But when you’ve gone through this, you know you can’t just bounce back. It leaves a lasting mark on you and your heart. Some give suggestions as to how to occupy your thoughts and decrease the obsession but one shared that she knew the obsession would not end until she had a healthy baby. This is where I am. Not that I want to replace the pregnancy I lost but at this point, a healthy baby in my arms is the only way I can find peace. Sadly. I wish I was better. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could move towards acceptance. I wish I could be fully happy for others but I can’t because I can’t stop being sad for myself. 

I saw a tweet that really spoke to me. “I asked God for strength, and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.” When I finally make it out of this craptastic place, I know I’ll be stronger. I know I’ll gain strength through this time in my life. So until then, I’m here and that’s all that counts. 

Still Riding This Ride

WOW, with these roller coaster emotions, the days seem to draaaaggg on. There are good days and there are bad days and the bad days are completely unpredictable. (The psych in me wants to track and analyze the what, when, and where.) Right after my miscarriage, I blamed the crying and sadness on my hormones. Now that my cycle is seemingly and amazingly right back on track, I can’t blame it on the hormones anymore. I blame it on grief and dang it, grief is unpredictable. One day is great, the next is miserable. And miserable might be putting it mildly. Is that normal?

Two months ago I had a miscarriage and it’s still a daily struggle. Before I was pregnant, I never thought that if I had a miscarriage, that I would still be struggling this much two months down the road. It just goes to show that if you haven’t been through this unfortunate journey, you can’t truly know what it is like. That’s how I’m choosing to look at this, as a journey because if I think day-to-day and live too much in the present, it isn’t good. 

So enough with the Sad Sally because before my miscarriage, this isn’t at all who I was. Today I realized that I haven’t been finding joy in the little things. Like fall weather, crafting, (decaf) coffee after dinner, cooking for my husband, sleeping in, reading my Bible, reading magazines, buying nail polish, playing with my pets, and hugging my husband. I did all of these things today and was mindful of the little things. 

There are no words to explain how much I appreciate those who also share their thoughts and stories. There are days when I feel so alone and hate the thoughts I have. Realizing that I am not alone and that there are others who have been through this or worse really helps. I’ve said it before, I am so sorry if you are going through or have gone through this grief. Again there are no words. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

 

Rollercoaster

I cannot remember a time in my life when I’ve experienced such back and forth emotionally. One day I’m okay and the next (day, minute, hour) I’m not and it’s like I’m back to July 19th again. I obsess. Why can’t I just step back, focus on other things, and “let it happen”? I know when I start going down that path, I’ll end up in a bad place but I can’t stop myself. I have a good feeling that I am out for this cycle and maybe this back and forth is due to hormones with my period coming and I’ll be back on the good side in a few days. While I wish nobody ever had to experience this, I really do find that I don’t feel so alone when I read others’ stories. Because right now, I feel lonely as hell in my life. And I hate myself most of the time for the thoughts I have. I want to crawl in a hole until I’m lucky enough to be blessed with a healthy pregnancy because the reminder of my miscarriage is EVERYWHERE. I’m happy for everyone else, I really am but it is so hard for me to have constant reminders. But this makes me feel like a bad person. Why can’t I just suck it up? Why is this so damn hard?

Am I Crazy??

So it’s been a while. I’ve been busy with my practicum and school. Being busy is a good thing though. Too much time = too much thinking and too much thinking always leads to anxiety and too much worrying. And then I think I’m crazy because I know most of what I’m thinking probably isn’t likely. Like what is wrong with me? I’ll never have a successful pregnancy. Why was I so unlucky? Am I too old? Did I miss my chance? Should I have just gotten knocked up when I was young and less responsible? Why do I have to know what this is like? Should I start thinking about adopting (yes I know this is jumping the gun). These are the toxic thoughts I have. I’ve done a better job of shifting my thoughts to more likely thoughts like the unfortunate fact is that miscarriages are common. This was just a “fluke” and isn’t likely to happen again. 27 isn’t old and I have plenty of time to have babies. Your time will come and it’s good to support others so that you will have support yourself. Don’t push others away. It will be fine in the end because if it isn’t fine, it isn’t the end.

So this is just an example of the crazy things my brain throws at me daily! And that’s why being busy makes me less crazy. I am hopeful for this cycle. I have a week until I’ll test. And I’m also hopeful I won’t be too disappointed if this isn’t my month. I’m usually good at thinking long-term (that’s why I’ve waited for goodness sakes!!) but this day-to-day while trying to get pregnant is tough stuff!!