I feel like my emotions are constantly in a tug o’ war. And constantly is an understatement. At this point my miscarriage consumes my every thought. I know this isn’t healthy. I know this is a common occurrence. I know my chances of conceiving again are good. I know my chances of miscarriage again are low. I KNOW ALL OF THIS but I don’t feel it in my heart. In my heart I feel sadness, loneliness, grief, anxiety, and many other difficult emotions. I find myself isolating from others. Thank God for my husband. And others who have gone through this who make me feel like I’m not going crazy because I’m quite sure the rest of the world would definitely think I’m going crazy if they really, REALLY knew where I’m at.
I have googled every single thing you can think of relating to miscarriage. I find that women who have experienced miscarriage are often expected to bounce back and accept that it is a common “thing”. But when you’ve gone through this, you know you can’t just bounce back. It leaves a lasting mark on you and your heart. Some give suggestions as to how to occupy your thoughts and decrease the obsession but one shared that she knew the obsession would not end until she had a healthy baby. This is where I am. Not that I want to replace the pregnancy I lost but at this point, a healthy baby in my arms is the only way I can find peace. Sadly. I wish I was better. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could move towards acceptance. I wish I could be fully happy for others but I can’t because I can’t stop being sad for myself.
I saw a tweet that really spoke to me. “I asked God for strength, and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.” When I finally make it out of this craptastic place, I know I’ll be stronger. I know I’ll gain strength through this time in my life. So until then, I’m here and that’s all that counts.