As I continue on this roller coaster, which has gotten less bumpy lately, I have come to realize that what my life comes down to right now is being patient. And having a little bit of faith. What other choice do I have anyway? I recently read something that said, “Patience isn’t waiting, it’s how you act while you’re waiting.” I think this applies to how I act towards others and how I act towards myself. I can continue to let this grief guide my life or I can make conscious efforts to take control back. It hasn’t been easy and there have been days it’s been a wash, but I really am trying and doing better. And for this, I’m proud of myself. As far as how I act towards others, well I’m notorious for acting on emotion and getting myself in a world of shit. I’ve gotten better as I’ve gotten older but I also haven’t struggled with anything like this in a while. Again, I have to make a conscious effort to act in a way that I won’t regret later. That doesn’t mean making sure I take care of myself goes out the door. That doesn’t mean I put myself in situations I know will be hard, but it does mean that I act in a way that I will be proud of in the future and just being mindful of my actions and the future.
Moving on the bigger and better things. I QUIT FACEBOOK. I got a lot of inspiration from a blog I have been reading lately. (I have mentioned this before but I really can’t say enough how the blogs I read and support from others has helped me through this process.) After I read this blog post, I started being mindful about my time on Facebook. I began to realize that 98% of the crap on there, offered nothing to me. And sometimes it left me feeling a number of different things like sad, jealous, shocked, lonely, and behind in life. Why would I continue to engage in something that makes me feel this way. Now it wasn’t ALWAYS this way but more than I feel like I need in my life right now. I need to focus on other things and protect myself. My husband (who doesn’t use Facebook) agreed that it would be a good idea to do away with it. So I did and we went out to celebrate.
As far as TTC, I’m currently in the two week wait. I’m trying to focus on other things and convince myself I’m not pregnant when I do start to symptom spot, just to not get my hopes up. I think I just need to be careful in getting too hopeful because I don’t want to lose the progress I’ve made over the last week and a half. Today I wrapped up the baby books I had ordered a week before the miscarriage. My husband and I decided that we will open them when we see a heartbeat. *God willing we ever do.*