So every time I hear the song by Blake Shelton with the lyrics, “Are there pages where it hurts to look” I can only hope that I look back on this journey and it is just a few pages out of my life. For myself and for all of the strong, amazing women who share this journey (and more) with me.
This week has definitely been one I’d like to forget about. But forgetting my pain would only prolong my grief. I am proud of myself for being able to feel and experience grief.
In baby making news, I had an anovulatory cycle then a 14 day cycle. What in holy hell is going on with my B.O.D.Y.? Does it seriously hate me? We will see because my doctor agreed to have a fertility consult to see what the FIRETRUCK is going on. I am glad I will get answers but I never thought I would struggle with fertility. Scheduling this appointment today was bittersweet because I had to let go of being of “normal” fertility. That’s a tough pill to swallow. I have been pregnant once and I’m hoping that the miscarriage has just thrown my hormones off but after a year of actively trying, I’m scared it’s something more. I’m scared I’ll never hold my baby. I’m scared I’ll have to continue to watch the world move on without me while I’m reaching my hand out, hoping to get a ride. Hope is getting hard to hold onto but at this time in my life, it’s become about a choice. Today I choose to be hopeful. I hope you do too.
Yesterday’s session with my counselor went well. I spoke with her about the struggles I faced this week and I told her I felt that I had taken 10 steps back. She pointed out that I didn’t have a setback, that this is normal for someone who is grieving. Duh! I think I sometimes forget that I am going through grief and it is unpredictable and it is normal to have those tough days. I appreciate these sessions because I’m allowed to be a griever.
Every one of us will face grief in some form in our lives. Whether it’s pregnancy related or through the death of a loved one, the loss of a pet, or just the end of a relationship of any kind. I made it 27 years without coming face-to-face with grief. And now I have and now I know what this is like. Now I am armed and prepared for losses I will inevitably encounter. That doesn’t mean it won’t hurt as much because I know it will. But I know that I will be able to allow myself to grieve and be messy and because of this experience I will know I’m strong enough to endure the pain grief involves. And this is my silver lining for today.
Oh and I got a job. And this is something I will not take for granted. I am blessed 🙂
So today sucked. No other way to put it. There were tears. There was hopelessness, wanting to shut everyone out, wanting to give up, and too many other things. Every time I feel like I’m starting to find solid ground, I’m knocked back down. I can’t remember how many times I’ve written that in this blog.
Today I saw something that really spoke to me but I don’t know how to do it.
God loves you. And He knows the secrets of your heart.
But you’ve let the past come between you and God.
Turn the past over to Him. He is strong enough to take it.
Give Him your future, too. And He’ll make you strong enough to face it.
How do I let Him in? My past is part of me, how do I turn it over to Him? I have said before, I prayed for strength and He is making me strong (no matter how bad of a day it is). But some days I feel weaker than ever. My faith falters and I am not a good wife. I push my husband and others away. I’m afraid I’ll push too hard one day. But this experience is so lonely and I just want to protect myself.
I am 4.5 weeks…….. away from graduation. AF came right on time this month so no dice on the firework baby. Darn it! So I’m trying to focus on the positive things coming up in my life. Education has always been a huge part of my life. Not going to school/college was never an option for me and I just can’t stay away. I completed by bachelor’s in 2007, my master’s 3 years later in 2010, and now I’ll complete my education specialist degree 3 more years later 4.5 weeks from now. And hopefully never go back since I will be working in the field of education. That tuition stuff gets expensive. So this is what I’m looking forward to at this moment.
This Child’s Mom recently posted about how this journey affects and is affected by your faith and God. I had never thought about it the way she explains the enemy trying to fill your head with doubts and this can result in you losing focus of what is the most important thing of all, your relationship with God. Since I read this post, I’ve been able to identify when this is happening and I take control back and focus on what’s important. It’s only been for today but I am feeling more hopeful than I have in a while. Another example of how amazing this community is in every way. Thank you This Child’s Mom! I could only hope to be half as inspirational as you and so many others.
The grief continues to be a strong presence in my life and the tears are still coming but not as often. I am praying that hope can begin to take more of a presence but I know there will always be a level of grief present. It will be the proof of the strength I prayed for.
So I went a whole week without crying! WOOHOO! Not that I’m not still sad and grieving, it just isn’t completely consuming my life. So that is my silver lining. Now I’m gonna get real.
My week-long record was broken by some family drama. But I’ve set my limits and this has helped so much. The drama basically revolves around the fact that I have supported my in-laws in every way possible for the more than 8 years I’ve been with my husband. There have been things along the way that bothered me but I just saw past it in order to keep the peace. Well I got very little support from them after the miscarriage and it’s even more complicated by the fact that I got a text that my sister-in-law was pregnant hours after my doctor confirmed my miscarriage. No one knew at that time because my husband wanted to wait to tell everyone so this is not an issue on their end, even though the timing was terrible and was a connection I had to work through. (But isn’t every mention of pregnancy kind of a kick to the gut? Dang it!) Anyway, I worked through it and was able to open communication about the issue with my sister-in-law. I sent a text. I got no reply until more than 4 days later. And that text contained an excuse that she was vomiting and that’s why she didn’t reply. Who uses a pregnancy symptom as an excuse not to reply to my text about my miscarriage for four days? So that’s where my limits come in to play. I’ve been able to deal with things in the past but this is not something I can overlook. I have decided that right now, due to finishing school and continuing to try to get pregnant, that I don’t need any added stress. I feel like I’m not worth enough for them to support when I needed it the most and that hurts more than anything. So I have requested space and am carrying on with my days not focusing on this. I have been doing much better since but the holidays bring about a whole set of issues with this. We are visiting my mother in Alabama for Christmas so this helps but Thanksgiving will likely be stressful. It’s too bad that sometimes family issues cause the holidays to be a source of stress.
Anyway, the continued silver lining is that my husband is standing by my side. I have not kept him from interacting with his family, as I would never do that but he is standing by my decision to have space and continue through my grief without added stress. I wish I never had to face these situations but like the counselor said, miscarriage and grief is now a part of me and these are the things that come with it. “There are pages where it hurts to look…” This is a song lyric I often think about. Hopefully this time is only a couple pages out of my book.