I’m not quite to CD 1 but I know it’s coming. But at least I ovulated this cycle. I am hoping it will come in time for me to get the blood work done before leaving for Alabama.
Things have been stressful. I posted a while back about struggles with my in-laws. My sister-in-law announced her pregnancy the day I found out I was miscarrying. I needed my space to disconnect the two events. When I eventually reached out to her, I did not receive a response for more than 4 days and the excuse was a pregnancy symptom. I was extremely hurt and it was really the last straw with her. She’s the kind of person that gets a kick out of making others uncomfortable and she’s done things since I’ve known her that were hurtful but I didn’t say anything in order to keep the peace. This was too much for me and since then I’ve distanced myself from my husband’s family. There are so many other complicated issues but overall I felt I was part of this family and I did not feel supported as a family member during my worst time.
So here we are, in the holidays and it’s bound to cause stress. We will be traveling to my mother’s for Christmas; I can’t remember the last Christmas I had with my mom and with my time off, it was perfect timing for us to go see her. So Christmas at my in-law’s has been changed to accomadate us and is scheduled for New Year’s Eve. My initial reaction was to not go. I am not ready to face these people who hurt me so much. But as emotions have died down, I think I might go (depending on how the day goes) and pray I’m not a bawling mess. This has been, by far, one of the most difficult situations I’ve ever had to deal with.
Overall, I’m doing okay. I wish this had been our cycle but I’ll move on to the next one. I feel like a positive pregnancy test is like a four leaf clover. Something I saw once and something I’ll probably never see again. But I hope I do.
I’ll keep this negative part short because I have some awesome things going on in my life.
Today I was at a school I am doing my practicum at and my supervisor was telling a teacher that I made a comment about not knowing what to do with the whole summer off. She said, “Well you can just have kids!!!” I know this teacher and know that she got pregnant right away with both of her children. I also know that her daughter was life-flighted after she was born due to complications. I also know that while she was pregnant with her daughter, she was extremely sensitive to a teacher who was in the process of trying to get pregnant. So I most certainly couldn’t be mad at her, she’s so very sweet. But it just isn’t that easy for everyone and I wish people would think about the things they say before it comes out. I wish I didn’t take things so sensitively but it is who I am and after almost 30 years, I don’t think it’s going to change. Although, while comments like that do bother me, it doesn’t feel like a kick to the gut anymore and I see that as progress. I’ll take it where I can get it.
On to more positive things, I AM GRADUATING TOMORROW!!!! And then I have three weeks off. I bought some magazines and I have some books so I am ready! I am so very thankful for my education and my husband who has supported me through 3 degrees. And now I am thankful that I will be able to serve children because I love children more than anything.
I am progressing every day. I really didn’t realize how much the progesterone was messing with my mood. I have been much more positive and enjoying life. I find myself smiling more everyday. I am at 5 days past ovulation and am trying to be both hopeful but also tell myself that it will be okay. If I do get my period, I will be able to get the testing my doctor ordered done before I leave for my mom’s. If I do get my period, we will be on our way to getting answers. If I do get my period, my due date won’t be at the beginning of a new school year with a new job. But I so very much want that positive pregnancy test. More than anything. But I can be patient. I can be patient. (If I keep telling myself that, maybe I’ll believe it.)
I GOT A POSITIVE OPK TODAY! What is going on? I’m I getting back to normal??? Figures since I just had my appointment with my doctor. I’ll take it though! Maybe I’ll get an extra Christmas present. And if not this is still a good sign of getting back to normal I hope. My doctor did say that it can take up to 6 months for your body to regulate itself. Well here we are at almost 5 months. This journey truly is a process and now that I am accepting that, it’s helped. I am unfortunately not one of those people who has sex and gets pregnant right away. But it will happen!
That’s what needs to happen! I think I may actually be ovulating this cycle? Time will tell. I did see my doctor and she was more than willing to start testing and the process of looking into what is going on. She also told me I really need to manage my stress. I KNOW, I KNOW but it’s hard. And to start thinking about the process starting over in September, after the miscarriage rather than a year ago. This is impossible but I’m trying. She also discontinued the progesterone and felt it may be contributing to depression. Now that I think about it, I’ve been on it for two weeks out of the month! And since my last cycle was anovulatory, I didn’t take it and I’m feeling much better. Hopefully I’m on my way to finding solid ground for longer than a day. We discussed options and this gave me something to look forward to. The CD3 labs will have to wait until another cycle because CD3 of this next cycle will be right around Christmas. I will be out of town and while she gave me a copy of the request, I think I’m going to just enjoy my trip to my mom’s and get started on this after the New Year. Of course I’m hoping for a lucky cycle this month but if not I know I have options going forward. Seeing the diagnosis of infertility was a blow to the gut though. Never thought I’d face that one but who does.
In other news, the semester is winding down and I graduate in ONE WEEK!!! 🙂
Things have been better. I’ve been feeling more hopeful and less depressed. Maybe I’m starting to come out of this fog. I have been keeping up with all the blogs I follow, your stories mean so much to me, as does your support.
I’ve been thinking lately that up until this point in my life, I haven’t truly appreciate life and the moments that are important. Thus far in my life I’ve just been living to the next goal, checking events off my life to-do list but never really living in the moment. I always have my next move planned. Maybe it’s age or it’s the miscarriage and reality check from life but I want to look back and be able to say I lived in the moment. That I breathed in the life of each situation I was in. Good and bad because you have to take the good with the bad. I went to a concert with my husband and some friends over the weekend. At one point I just looked around, looked at my husband, took note at how amazingly lucky I am. For many reasons. I had so much to be thankful for that night, as I do every day.
For the last 4 months, the negative thinking has been my norm. I caught myself last week trying to have a positive thought but the negative just pushed it out. It’s like I’m the opposite of how I used to be. I used to be able to push those negative thoughts out and focus on the positive, hence my blog’s name. Now it’s like my mind can’t have a positive thought. I know this is grief and I have to grieve however I need to but I think I’m ready to take control back. To be able to say, “Yeah I got shitted on by life but I have a lot of other great things in my life.” And I’m even becoming more hopeful about becoming pregnant again. Maybe there is a reason I didn’t get pregnant right after the miscarriage. Maybe I needed to grieve so I would be ready. I don’t know but I’m ready to find the silver linings in my life again.
This week I see my doctor and I’m hopeful I’ll get some answers about what’s going on. I think knowing either way will be good but also living in the moment some more will be the best thing because I know I’ll be okay no matter what happens if I just focus on the present.