Referral and Awards!

I finally heard back from my doctor today. She recommended that if we don’t want to wait for a timeline of possibly 18 months to 2 years (because of our lowered odds due to both being sub-fertile) then it was time to go to an RE. So I called and the lady was very nice. She emailed me a ton of paperwork that was extremely easy to complete. So they should be calling me to schedule an appointment. Their earlier appointments are in March. We are going to Colorado for Spring Break so I think I will schedule the appointment after this trip. This also gives us some time to work on our health and be in optimal health! Anyway, I’ve really felt a significant decrease in stress over the last week. Working on the relationships with my in-laws has paid off more than I could have imagined. I also feel good about having answers and knowing that we can work on these things.

So several awesome bloggers have nominated me for the Liebster Award! I am just thankful that you all read and care enough to comment with all of your support. I’ve been working my second job every day this week so I’ll catch up and get some questions answered. I love doing that!

One Giant Leap and Positive OPK

I don’t know if I’ve expressed on this blog how the issues with my husband’s family were weighing on me and affecting my marriage. I got some good advice over the weekend which made me decide that I needed to move forward on this. It was such good advice that I’m going to share it here. This was from a wife of one of my husband’s friends. We have never really had much in common and it’s always been superficial conversations between us. But this weekend we went to visit and I think it was a God-send that we did. Here are the high points:

  • I can’t control the sperm count, I can’t control my fertility and uterus but I can control the stress that this conflict has been causing both me and my husband. Not to mention my marriage. 
  • While they are totally wrong and should be the ones to make the big or first move, I have to be the bigger person because they aren’t emotionally equipped to handle these types of situations. I shouldn’t have to but I’m stronger in this area that I can do it. 
  • Maybe I was put in this family to help them become better at dealing with these issues and also to bridge the gap that their lack of communication creates in the family. (ie. My husband didn’t know his did was having surgery until the day before. His mom thought he was mad and then his dad told him. etc) And maybe I was put in this family to become stronger.

I know you can spin a situation however you want to but these were really eye opening for me. So I took a GIANT, GIANT step and I had a talk with my sister-in-law. We spoke about my issues with her and both of our feelings about her pregnancy occurring close to my miscarriage (She didn’t want to be a reminder of what I lost and I didn’t want to be a reminder of what could go wrong). She agreed that she should have been more supportive and genuinely seemed remorseful. I felt validated and supported. She was interested in our infertility journey and my grief. I told her what I need from her and she agreed to word towards this. I also agreed to discussed my issues with her at the time rather than isolate myself. I gave her a gift for my niece. 

It’s like a weight has been lifted. I was brave despite being scared. I was strong despite feeling weak. I was the bigger person and it paid off. And I can already tell my husband is feeling less stressed. I’m not going to lie and say there won’t be hard times as I try to support her during the remainder of her pregnancy but I’m going to at least try and not isolate myself. 

And we had a clearly obvious positive OPK and a possible temperature shift. We decided to keep on trying and hoping and praying for the best. If not, we have answers that we can continue to work on.

SA Results

My doctor’s nurse called today with the results of the semen analysis.

  • Count – 33 million
  • Motility – 70%
  • Morphology – 68%

She said that the count was low. I’ve been reading and it seems that it may be on the lower end but really not low enough to be considered LOW. Any input? I definitely think there are some things we can do to improve this and the main one being STRESS MANAGEMENT. And we all know I could benefit from that as well.

I think we are going to try to focus on one day at a time. So to make today a good day, I am making dinner and spending a good evening with my husband. Really, what gets better than good quality time with my husband? So today will be a good day!

I have been praying hard for many of my blog friends who are currently preparing for or waiting on the results of IVF and IUI. I am hoping this is a good cycle for all of you. And to my other friends who are just waiting and getting healthy or doing other treatments, I prayed for you as well. This journey is such a tough one but I can’t imagine the reward at the end when we all have our precious babies.

Still Waiting!

There should be a guide about SA’s. It was awkward and embarrassing. My poor hubby 😦 But he was a trooper and we are just waiting to hear the news. My mind keeps telling me that I should anticipate bad news but my heart wants to hope for the best. I’m jumping head first back into TTC after a month off. Going to try not to obsess and NO TESTING EARLY!! 

6 Months and Answers Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the semen analysis. I can’t believe I am putting such personal information out on the internet but honestly, this is less scary than putting it out in my real life. Those people don’t get it. So I am looking forward to getting answers on this end, as well as the upcoming thyroid blood work follow-up. 

But more importantly, today is the 6 month anniversary of my miscarriage. WOW 6 months, it seems like 6 freaking years. 6 freaking lifetimes. But certainly not 6 months. And I certainly did not think that this battle with infertility would ensue following the miscarriage. I’m in tears (and not pretty tears) thinking about this time between now and the event that almost broke me. 

It made me question who I am as a person. Sunk my self-esteem and confidence. Made me question my faith. My marriage. My relationships overall. My mental health. My choices. Each day dragged on while this event ravaged my life. I can say that I’ve persevered but it has been the fight of my life.

Today, 6 months after I lost my sweet baby, I am strong. I am hopeful. I am finding peace. I am faithful. I have bad days but I have a talk with God and I move forward. I pray and pray. And when I start to have doubts, I pray some more. I know that God will see me through this. I know my husband will see my through this, even when I think our marriage has been pushed to it’s limits. I now know what it’s like to face grief head on. I now know who is really there to support me. I now know that I can make it through the worst times. I am strong. I am going to get through this. And I am going to be a momma some day. 

Strength comes in many forms. For me, this is what strength looks like. Trying to smile through the tears. And having faith through the tears. 

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I hope anyone reading this is able to find their strength, no matter what it looks like. And I continue to be so very thankful for the support I’ve received over the last 6 months. Thank you 🙂

I Deserve a Prize or Something

Welcome cycle day 1……. and I didn’t even waste a pregnancy test. I think this is another way I know I’ve crossed over to the over side. I just assumed I wasn’t pregnant so I didn’t even want to waste a test. And I was right! 

Last cycle I didn’t do anything but a couple of OPK’s. I just got to a point that I was over it. This cycle I am going to BBT and OPK again. We are also getting the semen analysis done Monday. And then I’ll have my TSH re-tested in 3 weeks. Hopefully we can get further answers. 

I feel so completely jaded by this pregnancy thing. It’s now about IF, not WHEN. I know there is a blog titled this and I so completely agree with it. AND IT ISN’T FREAKING FAIR!!!!!!!

But I’m gonna find a positive and at least I didn’t waste money on stupid pregnancy tests this cycle. 🙂 That’s the best I got!

Coming Out

Something my therapist encouraged me to do was to tell people about my miscarriage. I am a fairly reserved person so I couldn’t even comprehend this at first, especially when I couldn’t even talk about it without bawling. But the more time goes by, the more I know this is me. It’s part of who I am. So I’ve started telling more people. (It doesn’t help that a lot of people in our town keep asking me about my sister-in-law. It’s so hard, because of timing, to not acknowledge my pregnancy when people want me to talk about hers.) In the last week, I’ve told 4 people. And it’s felt good. People always say how sorry they are and I don’t know exactly what I think about that. I mean what else do you say but also I want people to know I’m not telling them for attention or sympathy. But then again, I need to stop worrying about what other people think. So yes, I’ve been putting it out there and it’s been good. 

I’ve had three really good days in a row and it’s helping me feel hopeful about life. Not necessarily hopeful about becoming a mom. I still think it’ll never happen because I’ve been wanting it for so so so so so long. But I’ll work on it. 

I’m on day 7 of my thyroid medication. Not feeling any difference at all but I know it’s early. Hoping my TSH will be lower when I get my blood work done in 3 weeks. 

Been trying to focus on this lately. 

He will cover you with his feathers and under His wings you will find refuge. – Psalms 91:4

Changing Gears

In the spirit of moving forward, I decided it was time to do a post completely unrelated to the mess of the last 6 months. I’m going to tell you just a bit more about myself because there is a whole lot more than this!

1) I have a serious obsession with boots. I own over 10 pairs of boots that I wear often so usually I’m wearing boots!

2) I have two dogs that are so amazing. 

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First we have Rosco. He’s a Catahoula Leopard baby. We got him about a month before our wedding 4 1/2 years ago. He is our baby boy. He likes to sing and talk to us. He chews on the kitty all day long and has trained every cat I’ve ever had to let him do that. 

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Next we have Lola. She is a mutt. We adopted her from the local shelter. We have had her for about 3 years. She’s the kindest soul but also very needy for pets. Lola also has separation anxiety that we have made a lot of progress with, haha. She likes to ride around in the tractor with dad. 

3) I have one cat, Josephine, who goes by Josie. She’s the absolute best cuddle partner but then she turns into a “hardcore par core kitty” as my husband calls it. She has ruined some leather furniture and bounces and races around the house 😦 But I love her anyway. 

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This was a nice cuddle moment!

4) I love American history and if I could go back and make changes to my career, I might have chosen to be a high school history teacher. Or something along those lines. My husband and I went to Boston on our honeymoon and spent two lovely days walking the Freedom Trail. It was the best honeymoon ever. Well the best I’ve ever been on!

5) I don’t have a lot of hobbies. I love reading, music, shopping, and playing trivia games. I’m going to have a garden this summer that I’m very excited about!

That’s all I can think about for now. But I am going to be doing a lot more posts that aren’t miscarriage related. Hope you all have a great Saturday!

 

Miscarriage

So I said I’d write a separate about my insomniac thoughts on miscarriage. 

This is the Merriam-Webster definition of what a miscarriage is.

mis·car·riage

noun \ˌmis-ˈker-ij, -ˈka-rij, ˈmis-ˌ\

medical : a condition in which a pregnancy ends too early and does not result in the birth of a live baby

 

That’s fine and all but really? 20 words is all we get? That’s not acceptable to me. 

Miscarriage is a physical and emotional experience. The physical part is usually pretty straightforward; the fetus leaves your body before viability. It’s the emotional part of a miscarriage that is hard to put into words. At least in a concise fashion. 

The physical part of my miscarriage was over July 19, 2013. The emotional part of my miscarriage is just down waning at 6 months later. I do know that I took my miscarriage pretty hard and maybe others don’t experience the emotional aspect for 6 months but I know a lot of women who do. 

There are approximately 180 days in 6 months. I probably think about my miscarriage 100 times a day at least. That’s close to 20,000 thoughts about this experience. That’s a significant number. It’s definitely more than you can put into 20 words. These thoughts have consisted of me questioning, trying to accept, questioning again, wondering what it would be like if I hadn’t miscarried, wondering why people can’t be supportive, why should I feel ashamed to tell people about this, why are people close to me acting like it didn’t happen, will I ever be a mom, what’s wrong with my body, what’s wrong with my mind, why am I being punished, do I have the strength, is this going to break my marriage, is this going to break me, why was I so unlucky, and you get the picture. You’ve been there. 

Do you feel like this major, significant life event is not given the credit it should have? To me it deserves more than 20 words. To me it changed my world. Changed me completely. Changed my marriage. Changed my relationships. 

I said in a previous post that I am now feeling like the miscarriage is in my past and that I’m not living it day-to-day. The tears don’t come as easily but they still come. The thoughts are less frequent but they are still there. Miscarriage will always be a part of who I am and now that I’m feeling stronger I hope that I can help others and help bring to light that this is a life event that shouldn’t be swept under the rug. We need to support people who have gone through this because it is life changing. 

I prayed for strength and God has made me stronger despite evil trying to break me. I hope that anyone else who has gone through miscarriage can recognize their strength to move forward.

Insomnia Thoughts

So last night sleep was not happening. I don’t often have problems with insomnia but when I do it’s pretty much no sleep for the night. Once I realize it’s taking longer than usual to fall asleep, it seems like my mind starts racing. And racing it was last night. Miscarriage. Fertility or should I say infertility. Family. Future. Garden. Work. All of this racing through my mind. 

I will have a whole other post for my thoughts on miscarriage.

Infertility – Why is this even a thing? Why can’t it be easy for us like it is everyone else? I just want to be a momma, I never thought it’d be this hard. I understand how this statement might be perceived by some but I’m gonna type it anyway. After going through a miscarriage and infertility, I KNOW that when I eventually do become a momma, it will be an experience I will appreciate at a level that I would not have if I hadn’t gone through all of this. I will love my baby like I wouldn’t have been able to before. I know people who haven’t gone through this love and appreciate their children but motherhood following miscarriage and infertility will be different. I will not take it for granted. I will thank God for the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

Family – Even though things have been much better since I went to the in-law’s Christmas, I still can’t open myself up to these people. I find myself thinking, “If they couldn’t be there for me and support me during my darkest days, then why should they get to celebrate the good days.” I understand this is my husband’s family but the wound is deep and still healing. If I were to become pregnant this cycle, I don’t know that I would want them involved. Any advice or words of wisdom? Also, I went shopping for my sister-in-law’s baby shower. I won’t be attending the shower but I did want to give her a gift. I got a set of 5 onesies that are adorable. It was really hard to shop in the baby section…..

Future – Will I ever be a mom? I it isn’t work out, where does that leave me? What happens? If I do get pregnant and have a healthy baby, will getting pregnant again be this hard? I don’t know how much of this I can handle!

Garden – With the summer off, I’m planning things to keep me busy. The original plan was I’d be with the baby all summer but we know how that worked out. I am planning two raised beds with plenty of veggies. My husband and I will be ordering the seeds tonight!!

Work – Work is going great. Couldn’t ask for better. So here’s my Silver Lining. I’m extremely lucky to be employed and to do something I love. Work with children!