Forgiveness

Forgiving has never been my strong point. I hate this about myself. I will give all of my love and support to a person until they hurt me. And then I’m done. I’ve ended friendships because of this. It is something I want to change about myself. Especially now.

I’ve written a few times about the situation with my in laws. Short story. Sister-in-law announced her pregnancy the day I miscarried. They did not know. Following my miscarriage, I received relatively little support from my in laws. (Ex. I sent a text to my sister-in-law about my miscarriage. She didn’t reply for 4 days and when she did, she used a pregnancy symptom as an excuse to for replying sooner.) For the 8 years prior to this, I’ve felt like a part of the family and I’ve supported all members of my husband’s family in many ways. (Sitting through chemo treatments, sending care packages to Afghanistan, taking care of things at home when they were away, making a point to drive 5 hours to see my sister-in-law when my husband couldn’t have cared less.) I don’t regret any of this because it’s who I am and I thought of them as family. Well the let down from the lack of support following my miscarriage was epic. I felt like my self-worth tanked because I must have not been important enough for these people to support me. I felt like an outsider, no longer a part of the family.

Part of the problem was my expectations. I am a very emotional person. I feel strongly for others and go out of my way to make others feel comfortable. This is not how my in laws operate. They are emotionally distant. They have a hard time with difficult situations. I expected them to do something they really aren’t capable of. Since I’ve been in the picture, I’ve been that bridge between them. I usually know what’s going on with my mother-in-law’s cancer treatment before her children do. I have to encourage my husband to make time for his family. 

So following the let down, I then began to avoid them and after a couple of months of this, it finally caught up to my marriage. In January, I sat down and talked with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law. They both expressed their apologies. And I expressed to them why I was hurt and how deep it was. I thought it would get better. I thought they would show care and concern. I thought they would show support. But it hasn’t happened. It is the same as it was before. Me being let down. 

Now I know some people might judge me for the things I’m about to type but please know, I realize some of this is irrational and I wish I felt differently. 

Well my sister-in-law had her baby the week after my due date. I tried to prepare myself. Tell myself this is all going to work out the way it should. That I would be a good aunt and I need to embrace this kid. Now that they are here for the weekend, I have no interest in meeting the kid or giving any of them my support. What is wrong with me? Who doesn’t want to meet a baby? It isn’t the kid’s fault that this family can’t support me and that it the timing was tough for me. 

What makes me feel like even less of a person is that my husband’s grandmother passed away this week and this is why they are in town. I feel like this is selfish of me to make it about myself. I need to just suck it up and deal with it. But I can’t. I am going away to a friend’s 2 hours away tonight so I’m removed from the situation. I will attend the funeral but other than that, I feel compelled to make myself unavailable. 

I need some advice, perspective, scripture…. something. I need help. I can see this ruining my marriage. And I don’t want people to look back in 5 years and remember me as an awful person. 

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Life…

Life has gotten away from me. I’ve been naughty. I’m sorry. But I have kept up with your blogs and words and I’ve continued to pray for my friends. Those of you who are TTC, taking advanced methods – IUI, IVF, medications, those who unfortunately are facing miscarriage and grief, and those of you who are cautiously making your way through a pregnancy. 

Life consisted of many things in the last few weeks. I took my praxis in school psychology for my license. I know that almost everyone in the education field (in my area at least) has had to take a praxis exam. And if you have, I’m sure you understand what a ridiculous test it is! There was too much guessing for me to feel comfortable. It wasn’t even an exam you could study for! Craziness. But I should find out in a week or so if I have to take it again in June and pray that I pass then or I won’t be able to start my job. 

Speaking of my job. I signed my contract and have my assignment for next year. I am very happy and excited to have my own schools. I also spoke with my boss about the pregnancy, considering I’m due 3 months into my new job. (But I learned a while ago you can’t mess with God’s timing.) She was very understanding and it put me at ease. The agency also offered to pay for my insurance so I can get on it now rather than transition to it in October. Very blessed. 

We traveled to Colorado for Spring Break. I’m not a skier. I have a serious (irrational) fear that if I ski I will either die or get a traumatic brain injury. And the only time I’ve tried, I had a panic attack on top of a mountain. So I got to shuttle the skiers around Breckenridge and relax. It was nice but I’m always ready to be home. And I’m super sick of snow. 

I continue to be amazed at the connections that I’ve made since July. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers. And I am especially thankful for Elisha. I don’t have to tell you all how amazing and inspirational she is but I definitely have witness to this. Thank you, thank you, thank you 🙂

Books

Today brought good news. At 7 weeks, the baby measured 7 weeks 2 days and the heartbeat was 171 bpm. I am so very thankful. For this miracle and for all of the support I’ve gotten during this journey. Seeing that heart beating felt like the last 14 months were lifted off my shoulders. I know that we are not out of the woods. But I’m choosing to live like I’m pregnant because for today, I am.

We opened our present today! A box full of books that I received the day after my miscarriage. My husband is reading right through one of his tonight. These books represent a journey and I’m so glad that we are where we are at this moment. But there will always be an element of caution but I think this is normal? 

He Knew

I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for the last 2 1/2 weeks. Praying and hoping things that are completely out of my control are going well. I am ashamed to admit that there have been times I’ve completely convinced myself things will end as they did last pregnancy. My husband doesn’t want to talk about it much. We both are still very cautious. He went to my last counseling session with me so that we could somewhat create a plan on how to proceed in our different ways but still be there for each other. This is just as hard on him. About a week after this session, I received a card in the mail from my counselor. One side with a personal note and the other side with something I really want to share with all of you. 

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Is there any way to look at this other than she is a Godsend? All along this journey, all I’ve wanted is understanding and validation. 

“And the LORD, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8

This has always been one of my favorite verses in all times but especially times like these. He did not leave me. He lead me to make that phone call and schedule help for myself. He was with me. And He will continue to be with for no matter what this journey throws at me. And He knew that I needed this on the day I received this. It melts my heart. 

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WOW….. I couldn’t believe it when I read that. We have discussed a lot about my fears and reluctance to engage in a future pregnancy the way I see others engaging (stupid Facebook, we know that’s all a ruse anyway). How I feel that I’m being “cheated”. And I am trying to protect myself. I don’t think these are feelings that are uncommon in miscarriage and pregnancy after miscarriage. But it’s true, it’s become quite painful to remain in these ways. And when I let hope creep in a bit, it’s nice. I hope you are able to let hope find a place in your mind. Even if it’s just one thought or for a second. And if you are feeling like you need support, please don’t hesitate to talk to someone. Sometimes an outside perspective makes all the difference. Sometimes you need a cheerleader. 

I have my first appointment with the doctor this Thursday. There will be an ultrasound so we will have some answers. I’ll be 7 weeks at this appointment, so I’m hoping we will see a heartbeat and I’ll be able to open my present I posted about a while ago. (The books I received in the mail the day after my miscarriage.) I do have some symptoms but otherwise feel normal. I’ve already made it further in this pregnancy without complications than my last pregnancy. But the biggest comfort is knowing that I have prayers and positive thoughts from so many.