Still Clean

Tomorrow marks 7 months of being free of Facebook. I can’t begin to tell you how much this choice helped me when I was in the depths of grief and depression. And part of me knew that when I got back on my feet I still wouldn’t want to go back. I think it’s terribly toxic and I don’t need that crap in my life. I’ve found ways to keep in touch with family and friends. And I don’t know the business of people I don’t really know anymore. So thank you A Calm Persistence for your posts on this over 7 months ago.

Speaking of being back on my feet. I’m getting there. The first 10 weeks of this pregnancy was tougher mentally than I could have predicted. My counselor suggested that maybe a Doppler would help with my fears and it has. It’s been a lifesaver for me. And now that I’ve passed the 14 week mark, I’m starting to feel comfortable about this. I can talk to people without feeling like a fraud.

If someone would have told me 6 months ago that this would all work out, I would never have believed them. But I’m glad I was wrong. Praying for you all always.


On My Mind

I know I haven’t posted or commented a lot lately. But I read daily. I think of all of you daily. And I pray for all of you daily. 

But I haven’t known what to say. Someday Mama recently wrote a post that I got me thinking about how I’ve felt lately in regards to this blog and to all of you who are reading and still facing the journey of becoming a mom. 

I also felt really guilty and still do sometimes. I know how I felt when someone else got pregnant. I know the thoughts I had. I would avoid the topic of pregnancy at all costs. It hurt too much. I was always happy for someone but my sadness for myself was always greater.

So I haven’t known what to say. I’ve had SOOOOOO many conflicting emotions and thoughts about this pregnancy. Some of them I didn’t think it would be fair to post here. I told myself that whenever I got pregnant again, I would just embrace the pregnancy and I despised when someone would worry, when I was thinking, “Don’t you know how lucky you are?!?!” But the truth is, I’ve had a lot of fear. A lot of worry and anxiety. I don’t know if I’ve even been able to fully engage in this pregnancy yet. I’m so scared. 

You amazing ladies who commented and supported me through my darkest days are so very important to me. I know this is my blog and anyone can unfollow if they don’t like reading what I’ve wrote. But I really did not want to cause any hurt to any of you. I value this community so much. 

I think that for now, I am comfortable with giving minor updates about this pregnancy on this blog. If I feel like I want to expand on this, I will start another blog. I am currently 12 weeks and 1 day. I am starting to feel more positive and hopeful but it’s taken a lot to get here and I still feel scared sometimes. Everything is going okay and I have experienced some symptoms but nothing I can complain about.

The road of pregnancy after miscarriage is a tough one. I think I was so focused on getting pregnant that I didn’t think about the challenges I would face. I hope that someday soon, I can support you all through this precarious time. 

Thank You

First, I just want to thank everyone who offered advice and support as I faced a difficult situation with my in-law’s. I did attend the funeral and I did hold the baby. It was my choice. My sister-in-law was sensitive (I think). She asked if I wanted to hold the baby but said I didn’t have to. At first I didn’t want to but eventually I did and I was able to do this on my own time. The baby wasn’t forced upon me and I feel like the family was carefully watching my moves. I know that they love me and care about me. They just don’t know how to deal with this situation. I don’t know if I would either. But I still need to have some boundaries and figure out what’s best for me. There hasn’t been any contact with my sister-in-law since the funeral but this is normal and part of my issues with her. My mother-in-law is wanting to sew for our baby. At first, when I was bitter and angry, I wanted to decline but I know she’s doing this because she cares so I am slowly letting her in again. It’s progress, even if it slow. 

It was so hard not to wonder “what if I hadn’t lost my baby” when holding her baby. But I knew I couldn’t go there. I hope I can continue to grow and move past this because I love children and I really want to be a positive part of her life. 

Another thing, apparently my mother-in-law had told her family and friends about my pregnancy. I was asked about it by many people. And I felt like a fraud. I don’t want to offend anyone or make anyone think I am taking this pregnancy for granted. (I will write another blog post about this.) But as people were congratulating me and asking me questions, I felt like a fraud and I wanted to crawl in a hole. It is still early and anything could happen. I felt like I couldn’t go along acting like this was happening because it could all be taken away in an instant. And again, I felt like an awful person. I tried to be gracious and my husband recognized my distress so he compensated by sharing details when I couldn’t without tearing up.

Miscarriage robbed me of this. Of being able to be excited when someone congratulates me. Of fully engaging in the pregnancy without always being fearful of another loss. I know this is normal and part of the process and my grief. But it sucks.