Coming Out

Something my therapist encouraged me to do was to tell people about my miscarriage. I am a fairly reserved person so I couldn’t even comprehend this at first, especially when I couldn’t even talk about it without bawling. But the more time goes by, the more I know this is me. It’s part of who I am. So I’ve started telling more people. (It doesn’t help that a lot of people in our town keep asking me about my sister-in-law. It’s so hard, because of timing, to not acknowledge my pregnancy when people want me to talk about hers.) In the last week, I’ve told 4 people. And it’s felt good. People always say how sorry they are and I don’t know exactly what I think about that. I mean what else do you say but also I want people to know I’m not telling them for attention or sympathy. But then again, I need to stop worrying about what other people think. So yes, I’ve been putting it out there and it’s been good. 

I’ve had three really good days in a row and it’s helping me feel hopeful about life. Not necessarily hopeful about becoming a mom. I still think it’ll never happen because I’ve been wanting it for so so so so so long. But I’ll work on it. 

I’m on day 7 of my thyroid medication. Not feeling any difference at all but I know it’s early. Hoping my TSH will be lower when I get my blood work done in 3 weeks. 

Been trying to focus on this lately. 

He will cover you with his feathers and under His wings you will find refuge. – Psalms 91:4

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I Hope It’s Temporary

So every time I hear the song by Blake Shelton with the lyrics, “Are there pages where it hurts to look” I can only hope that I look back on this journey and it is just a few pages out of my life. For myself and for all of the strong, amazing women who share this journey (and more) with me.

This week has definitely been one I’d like to forget about. But forgetting my pain would only prolong my grief. I am proud of myself for being able to feel and experience grief.

In baby making news, I had an anovulatory cycle then a 14 day cycle. What in holy hell is going on with my B.O.D.Y.? Does it seriously hate me? We will see because my doctor agreed to have a fertility consult to see what the FIRETRUCK is going on. I am glad I will get answers but I never thought I would struggle with fertility. Scheduling this appointment today was bittersweet because I had to let go of being of “normal” fertility. That’s a tough pill to swallow. I have been pregnant once and I’m hoping that the miscarriage has just thrown my hormones off but after a year of actively trying, I’m scared it’s something more. I’m scared I’ll never hold my baby. I’m scared I’ll have to continue to watch the world move on without me while I’m reaching my hand out, hoping to get a ride. Hope is getting hard to hold onto but at this time in my life, it’s become about a choice. Today I choose to be hopeful. I hope you do too.

4.5 Weeks

I am 4.5 weeks…….. away from graduation. AF came right on time this month so no dice on the firework baby. Darn it! So I’m trying to focus on the positive things coming up in my life. Education has always been a huge part of my life. Not going to school/college was never an option for me and I just can’t stay away. I completed by bachelor’s in 2007, my master’s 3 years later in 2010, and now I’ll complete my education specialist degree 3 more years later 4.5 weeks from now. And hopefully never go back since I will be working in the field of education. That tuition stuff gets expensive. So this is what I’m looking forward to at this moment. 

This Child’s Mom recently posted about how this journey affects and is affected by your faith and God. I had never thought about it the way she explains the enemy trying to fill your head with doubts and this can result in you losing focus of what is the most important thing of all, your relationship with God. Since I read this post, I’ve been able to identify when this is happening and I take control back and focus on what’s important. It’s only been for today but I am feeling more hopeful than I have in a while. Another example of how amazing this community is in every way. Thank you This Child’s Mom! I could only hope to be half as inspirational as you and so many others. 

The grief continues to be a strong presence in my life and the tears are still coming but not as often. I am praying that hope can begin to take more of a presence but I know there will always be a level of grief present. It will be the proof of the strength I prayed for. 

Patience and Quitting Facebook

As I continue on this roller coaster, which has gotten less bumpy lately, I have come to realize that what my life comes down to right now is being patient. And having a little bit of faith. What other choice do I have anyway? I recently read something that said, “Patience isn’t waiting, it’s how you act while you’re waiting.” I think this applies to how I act towards others and how I act towards myself. I can continue to let this grief guide my life or I can make conscious efforts to take control back. It hasn’t been easy and there have been days it’s been a wash, but I really am trying and doing better. And for this, I’m proud of myself. As far as how I act towards others, well I’m notorious for acting on emotion and getting myself in a world of shit. I’ve gotten better as I’ve gotten older but I also haven’t struggled with anything like this in a while. Again, I have to make a conscious effort to act in a way that I won’t regret later. That doesn’t mean making sure I take care of myself goes out the door. That doesn’t mean I put myself in situations I know will be hard, but it does mean that I act in a way that I will be proud of in the future and just being mindful of my actions and the future. 

Moving on the bigger and better things. I QUIT FACEBOOK. I got a lot of inspiration from a blog I have been reading lately. (I have mentioned this before but I really can’t say enough how the blogs I read and support from others has helped me through this process.) After I read this blog post, I started being mindful about my time on Facebook. I began to realize that 98% of the crap on there, offered nothing to me. And sometimes it left me feeling a number of different things like sad, jealous, shocked, lonely, and behind in life. Why would I continue to engage in something that makes me feel this way. Now it wasn’t ALWAYS this way but more than I feel like I need in my life right now. I need to focus on other things and protect myself. My husband (who doesn’t use Facebook) agreed that it would be a good idea to do away with it. So I did and we went out to celebrate. 

As far as TTC, I’m currently in the two week wait. I’m trying to focus on other things and convince myself I’m not pregnant when I do start to symptom spot, just to not get my hopes up. I think I just need to be careful in getting too hopeful because I don’t want to lose the progress I’ve made over the last week and a half. Today I wrapped up the baby books I had ordered a week before the miscarriage. My husband and I decided that we will open them when we see a heartbeat. *God willing we ever do.*

Miscarriagemoon

So at some point in most of our lives we go on a honeymoon. Some even go on a babymoon (which I hope to be able to go on soon). But now I know what a miscarriagemoon is like. And to be honest, it wasn’t half bad. I mean the whole just-had-a-miscarriage thing is awful but the getting away and refocusing my life, faith, and relationship was pretty amazing. I had 6 days of nothing to do but spend quality time with my husband, having new experiences. Two of those days were spent in Kansas City and the others in Chicago. It was our first trip to Chicago and we booked it two days before we left. The most spontaneous thing we’ve ever done. *I can be quite spontaneous but that is definitely not my husbands’ thing.* We ate great BBQ, did some phenomenal shopping, viewed the city from 103 floors up, ate deep dish pizza, had several cab rides with cabbies we couldn’t communicate with, saw Sue the dinosaur, saw a Cubs game, and focused on us. I know I am fortunate enough to have the chance to do this but if anyone else going though this can even manage a quick get-away, I highly recommend it. 

I returned home at peace. I still get sad and tear up a little bit but I know it will be okay and my faith is growing stronger every day. We are not wasting any time trying to get pregnant again and continue to pray for our miracle. Here’s a few pictures from our get-away. 

 

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Acceptance

As I continue to move towards acceptance and seek out support and others’ stories, I find I have a lot to be thankful for. My miscarriage was natural, no medical intervention required. I was only 6 weeks along; others have had miscarriages after hearing the babies heartbeat and after giving the baby a name. 

 

A blighted ovum is what my doctor called it. Mother nature screening out weakness so that in a matter of months I can have a healthy baby? Is a few months really all that bad of a trade off? In order to have a healthy baby? 

 

Some of the most heartbreaking stories I have read have been women who have had multiple miscarriages. I can’t imagine the strength it takes to endure that pain of miscarriage multiple times. I honestly don’t know if I’d be strong enough. And even thinking about trying to get pregnant again scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to go through this again. I just don’t want to. 

 

So I’ve been doing what I think is best. Taking time off for myself. Crying til my eyes are dry. Watching lots of TV to distract my crazy mind. Eating Oreo’s because it helps (it really does :)) Letting friends support me. Slacking on dishes and laundry. Because I feel if I don’t properly grieve this miscarriage, it will sneak up and bite me later. 

 

My doctor had wanted to see me for a follow up; it was supposed to be my second sonogram. I broke down with the nurse when she asked about the sonogram. My doctor came in and was so supportive. She shared my exact thoughts. “People who shouldn’t have babies have them. I’ve done the right things. Why did this happen to me?” She also shared she’s been through this. I think the fact that I know I’m not alone in this experience is the biggest consolation. What a crappy consolation right?? If you have been through this, I’M SO SORRY. I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone. 

 

And now….. Grey’s Anatomy marathon on Lifetime? I think I will. 

 

-Alexis