So every time I hear the song by Blake Shelton with the lyrics, “Are there pages where it hurts to look” I can only hope that I look back on this journey and it is just a few pages out of my life. For myself and for all of the strong, amazing women who share this journey (and more) with me.
This week has definitely been one I’d like to forget about. But forgetting my pain would only prolong my grief. I am proud of myself for being able to feel and experience grief.
In baby making news, I had an anovulatory cycle then a 14 day cycle. What in holy hell is going on with my B.O.D.Y.? Does it seriously hate me? We will see because my doctor agreed to have a fertility consult to see what the FIRETRUCK is going on. I am glad I will get answers but I never thought I would struggle with fertility. Scheduling this appointment today was bittersweet because I had to let go of being of “normal” fertility. That’s a tough pill to swallow. I have been pregnant once and I’m hoping that the miscarriage has just thrown my hormones off but after a year of actively trying, I’m scared it’s something more. I’m scared I’ll never hold my baby. I’m scared I’ll have to continue to watch the world move on without me while I’m reaching my hand out, hoping to get a ride. Hope is getting hard to hold onto but at this time in my life, it’s become about a choice. Today I choose to be hopeful. I hope you do too.