Baby You’re a Firework

Ok, ok, that’s a little cheesy but it’s what I’m hoping for! And hope is a good thing. If I am successful in the getting knocked up department this cycle, I’ll have a July baby. July is a good month for me and my husband. We began dating and married on July 4th, four years apart of course! So July would be a good month. I would like July. (I’d like any month at this point but hey gotta find the Silver Lining right??)

It’s still tough and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I may be suffering from a level of depression. Before I went back to school, my career was in mental health. I’ve seen others in the midst of depression and what it looks like but it’s hard to look at yourself through the lens of harsh reality and beyond irrational thoughts we often develop during difficult times. Through this I have somewhat been in denial about depression but I think it’s time I admit it and stop trying to be strong. The good thing about depression is it is 100% treatable. I have sought out a therapist and will go for my first session next week. I am truly excited to continue this journey out of depression and grief that I began three months ago. 

The Silver Lining’s of the week:

  • My husband is amazing. Period. End of story. He holds me when I cry, even ugly crying. He wrapped my BirchBox (with my other birthday presents) so I’d have something else to open. He cooks me dinner when I don’t want to cook or even eat. And most of all, he tells me he loves me and it will be okay. 
  • The fact that I can make my way out of this depression for periods of time to take a breath and re-group and to get myself the help I need. 
  • The continued support I get from the online community. Such amazing women. 
  • Some one-on-one time with my Bible.
  • Only 8 weeks of school left until my final graduation!!! 🙂

As many of you know, yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. This was a rough and tough day for me so I didn’t feel up to speaking about it. But waking up to a new day brought strength. I am so happy that there are those out there who bring awareness and light pregnancy loss. So many speak about how this is a subject that society pushes under the rug. How it makes others seemingly uncomfortable. How so many can’t begin to grasp the concept if they haven’t experienced it. But here in this community, we know each other’s pain. We know the things to say. We don’t make anyone uncomfortable for speaking about their loss. And this makes me happy despite the hardships. 

So in honor of Pregnancy Loss, here’s my books I wrapped up that I keep in plain sight as a reminder to have hope. 

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Heartbreak

I learned I was pregnant on June 27th, almost 3 weeks ago. We had been trying for 3 months and I felt very blessed that this pregnancy came so quickly. I prayed daily that God would bless me with a healthy pregnancy. My husband was excited and if you knew him, you’d know it takes a lot for him to become excited. It was a big deal for us. We decided to keep it to ourselves until we saw a heartbeat. I told my best friend and a friend I go to school with. That was it.

I began to have some complications the day before my first OB appointment. We had an ultrasound and the doctor said because it was so early, it wasn’t unusual to not see anything, particularly a heartbeat yet. I was ordered to have additional blood work to look at HCG and progesterone levels. The complications continued and increased over the weekend and I called to follow up about these levels on Monday. My doctor’s nurse informed me my HCG was 629 and progesterone was also low. At 5 weeks, 6 days, HCG should have been higher no doubt. At that point I knew what could only be confirmed with additional blood work. Miscarriage. The additional blood work was ordered. Today my doctor called me to confirm.

While I wasn’t pregnant for a long time, I was in love with my baby. And heartbreak is the only way to describe this feeling. My husband has been amazing and has only solidified the fact that I am incredibly blessed to be married to a man who is so supportive and loving. My friends have also been very supportive but I still feel devastated and feel my biggest supports at this time can only be those who have went through this experience. So please, share with me your stories and how you coped through your own heartbreak.