Coming Out

Something my therapist encouraged me to do was to tell people about my miscarriage. I am a fairly reserved person so I couldn’t even comprehend this at first, especially when I couldn’t even talk about it without bawling. But the more time goes by, the more I know this is me. It’s part of who I am. So I’ve started telling more people. (It doesn’t help that a lot of people in our town keep asking me about my sister-in-law. It’s so hard, because of timing, to not acknowledge my pregnancy when people want me to talk about hers.) In the last week, I’ve told 4 people. And it’s felt good. People always say how sorry they are and I don’t know exactly what I think about that. I mean what else do you say but also I want people to know I’m not telling them for attention or sympathy. But then again, I need to stop worrying about what other people think. So yes, I’ve been putting it out there and it’s been good. 

I’ve had three really good days in a row and it’s helping me feel hopeful about life. Not necessarily hopeful about becoming a mom. I still think it’ll never happen because I’ve been wanting it for so so so so so long. But I’ll work on it. 

I’m on day 7 of my thyroid medication. Not feeling any difference at all but I know it’s early. Hoping my TSH will be lower when I get my blood work done in 3 weeks. 

Been trying to focus on this lately. 

He will cover you with his feathers and under His wings you will find refuge. – Psalms 91:4

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Miscarriage

So I said I’d write a separate about my insomniac thoughts on miscarriage. 

This is the Merriam-Webster definition of what a miscarriage is.

mis·car·riage

noun \ˌmis-ˈker-ij, -ˈka-rij, ˈmis-ˌ\

medical : a condition in which a pregnancy ends too early and does not result in the birth of a live baby

 

That’s fine and all but really? 20 words is all we get? That’s not acceptable to me. 

Miscarriage is a physical and emotional experience. The physical part is usually pretty straightforward; the fetus leaves your body before viability. It’s the emotional part of a miscarriage that is hard to put into words. At least in a concise fashion. 

The physical part of my miscarriage was over July 19, 2013. The emotional part of my miscarriage is just down waning at 6 months later. I do know that I took my miscarriage pretty hard and maybe others don’t experience the emotional aspect for 6 months but I know a lot of women who do. 

There are approximately 180 days in 6 months. I probably think about my miscarriage 100 times a day at least. That’s close to 20,000 thoughts about this experience. That’s a significant number. It’s definitely more than you can put into 20 words. These thoughts have consisted of me questioning, trying to accept, questioning again, wondering what it would be like if I hadn’t miscarried, wondering why people can’t be supportive, why should I feel ashamed to tell people about this, why are people close to me acting like it didn’t happen, will I ever be a mom, what’s wrong with my body, what’s wrong with my mind, why am I being punished, do I have the strength, is this going to break my marriage, is this going to break me, why was I so unlucky, and you get the picture. You’ve been there. 

Do you feel like this major, significant life event is not given the credit it should have? To me it deserves more than 20 words. To me it changed my world. Changed me completely. Changed my marriage. Changed my relationships. 

I said in a previous post that I am now feeling like the miscarriage is in my past and that I’m not living it day-to-day. The tears don’t come as easily but they still come. The thoughts are less frequent but they are still there. Miscarriage will always be a part of who I am and now that I’m feeling stronger I hope that I can help others and help bring to light that this is a life event that shouldn’t be swept under the rug. We need to support people who have gone through this because it is life changing. 

I prayed for strength and God has made me stronger despite evil trying to break me. I hope that anyone else who has gone through miscarriage can recognize their strength to move forward.

Note to self….

If you want to have internet that works all the time, don’t marry a farmer and move to the boonies!!!!!

This is the first chance I’ve had to post in a while and a lot of happened. 

The trip to my mom’s was good. It was nice to relax and be with my family. I told my mom about the miscarriage and some of the trials I’ve faced in the last 6 months. She wasn’t upset I hadn’t told her yet; she understood it was something I didn’t want to talk about over the phone. She encouraged me to make an appearance to the in-laws but also encouraged me to take care of myself. 

The anxiety I felt leading up to Christmas at the in-law’s was like no anxiety I’ve ever had before. I let it take me over. I was sick. But I put on my amour and faced it. And it was the best decision I could have made. Even though it was very stressful (a few heart palpitations from a full blown panic attack), it was good for me to face it. I had some hot tea and had sprayed a tissue with a calming scent and practiced deep breathing. My husband had given them a heads up that I wouldn’t do well with too much baby talk and they were extremely respectful of this. I wish pregnancy wasn’t a trigger for me but unfortunately it is. I did have small talk with my sister-in-law and it wasn’t too bad. I text her afterwards and thanked her for being sensitive to my triggers and she said she was sorry I had to go through this. It was a big step. I did tell her I won’t be going to her baby shower but that I had a gift for my niece and would like to give it to her privately. She was understanding. 

Since I faced this, my anxiety has been 100% better. I feel stronger. I feel like I’ve progressed significantly in just a few days time. And with this and other things, I’m beginning to feel like my miscarriage is in my past (but obviously still an important part of who I am now) and not like I’m living it every day. 

Positively has taken over again and I am happy. I hope that all of you were able to find peace and strength through the holidays. 

10 Steps Back

So today sucked. No other way to put it. There were tears. There was hopelessness, wanting to shut everyone out, wanting to give up, and too many other things. Every time I feel like I’m starting to find solid ground, I’m knocked back down. I can’t remember how many times I’ve written that in this blog. 

Today I saw something that really spoke to me but I don’t know how to do it.

November 13

God loves you. And He knows the secrets of your heart.

But you’ve let the past come between you and God.

Turn the past over to Him. He is strong enough to take it.

Give Him your future, too.  And He’ll make you strong enough to face it.

 

How do I let Him in? My past is part of me, how do I turn it over to Him? I have said before, I prayed for strength and He is making me strong (no matter how bad of a day it is). But some days I feel weaker than ever. My faith falters and I am not a good wife. I push my husband and others away. I’m afraid I’ll push too hard one day. But this experience is so lonely and I just want to protect myself.