You Were Right!

So quick update. I had a doctor appointment scheduled for a TB test and physical for my new job. Well after the suggestions I got from you lovely ladies, I decided to have her look at the TSH. I didn’t know the number when my doctor called but it was a 4.29. From what I’ve read, another over 2.0 can play a role in infertility. BINGO. Well actually I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high that this is our magic fix but I do think it’s a step in the right direction. I’m starting levothyroxine tomorrow. The symptoms I can attribute to hypothyroidism is fatigue, hair loss (came out in handfuls right after the miscarriage and has steadily since), depression, constipation, dry skin, and irregular periods. I’d say my mood changes are my biggest concern. There seems to be a pattern that within a couple of days following ovulation (or mid-cycle for anovulatory cycles), I become depressed, hopeless, and feel like I don’t want to keep trying on this journey. There’s a lot of “why me’s” and “this isn’t fair”. My husband, bless his stinkin’ heart, noticed a pattern a while back but it’s hard to argue with me when I’m down that road. Once I start my period I’m back to my old self; hopeful, positive, and stable. 

I said I wasn’t going to track this cycle but I broke down and did OPK’s. I had faint positive’s but never a true positive. If we didn’t get lucky this cycle, I’m going to follow up with the doctor about treatment options. And I think that I’ve decided that if we aren’t pregnant by June, I will ask for a referral to a specialist. We still need to do the semen analysis but after paying all the bills earlier this week, I decided that we will wait on the outcome for this cycle before we get that done. I hope we don’t have to but I have a feeling we will. At least we will have that information!

So thank you to anyone who gave me advice and encouraged me to ask more questions. 

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The Sunshine Award :)

The support I receive from other bloggers just keeps getting better. Specifically a blogger I have a lot in common with, This Child’s Mom. She so sweetly nominated My Silver Lining for the Sunshine Award, which is an award others can nominate you for if they feel that your blog brings a little Sunshine to their life. It’s very obvious that when I began this blog, it was for a very different reason and quite honestly I didn’t have a reason. Then s**t got real and now that I’ve been able to use it as an outlet on the journey of coping with pregnancy loss, it means a lot to me. And so do those that take the time to read it. I am hopeful that I can provide even a fraction of the support to others that I have gotten since I opened up about my story through blogging.

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Here are the rules of the Sunshine Award:

  • Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post.
  • Link the blogger who nominated you.
  • Answer 10 questions about yourself.
  • Nominate 10 other bloggers to receive the award.
  • Link to your nominees and let you know you nominated them.

The questions are…………..

1) What is the one biggest lesson you’ve learned this year?

Wow, I don’t know if I can narrow it down. Well yes I can. Of all the lessons I’ve learned this year, the most important is that I AM NOT IN CONTROL!!!! Which leads to the lesson of having faith and putting my journey in God’s hands.

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. – 1Peter 5:7

2) What is something you hope to become better at?

Not holding everything in and not shutting people out. I’m realizing that I have a tendency to disconnect from others in an attempt to protect myself during difficult times. I push others away. On my better days, I realize that this support and encouragement is JUST WHAT I NEED.

3) What is your favorite holiday?

4th of July of course. First and foremost, I love my country, my liberties, my freedom. I am thankful everyday I was born in this country and that strangers are willing to protect my freedom. Second of all, it is my husband and I’s anniversary. We began dating on 4th of July in 2005 and were married on 4th of July in 2009. And I love sparklers!

4) Who is/was your celebrity crush?

Leonardo DiCaprio! He’s still pretty good looking these days.

5) What is the weirdest habit you have or thing you repeatedly do?

Hmmm, I sleep with earplugs every single night. Then my cat plays with them and they are ALL OVER the house.

6) Would you prank call someone and if so, what would you say?

Probably not but if I did, I’d want it to be harmless and funny. If I won the lottery, I’d prank call someone and give them some money!

7) What is your 4-letter personality type?

ENFJ – Pretty much spot on. I do feel like I have an intuition about the intentions and emotions  of others and it has often got me in hot water! But I’m learning. I also am generally trusting of others; I believe that everyone is good and deserves a chance.

8) What is something you say a lot?

It is what it is. That’s pretty much been my philosophy through this whole journey.

9) What college and/or professional sports teams do you root for?

My alumni, the Gorillas! Or the KU Jayhawks and K-State Wildcats. I love me some Kansas. I also love the Dallas Cowboys 🙂

10) Why do you blog, and do you think you’ll keep blogging for a while?

As I mentioned above, I began blogging for no reason. Now I blog as an outlet and to make connections with others who have similar experiences. I do think I’ll keep blogging for a while. All of us will move on to having our rainbow babies and I know that experience will be difficult as well. I would like to continue to keep in touch with those who know these experiences.

There ya go! Good questions This Child’s Mom!!!!

Here are the questions ladies!!!

1) Who or what inspires you?

2) What did you want to be when you grew up? How close did you get?

3) Best vacation and dream vacation (if you haven’t already been)?

4) Favorite food you get at the fair? (Yeah I’m country 🙂 and love going to fairs for the food!)

5) What’s your Silver Lining for the day?

6) Favoriate TV show??

7) What US state or world capital would you like to visit?

8) What would you do if you could go back to being 18 years old?

9) All time favorite movie and why??

10) Favorite dessert?

Here are my nominees! (Some of you have already been nominated but I can’t not acknowledge how you’ve brightened my day more than once.)

1. A Calm Persistance – As if the blog title wasn’t ingenious enough, this writer is always so encouraging but also open with her own struggles that often puts parts of my struggles into words when I fail to.

2. My Infertility Story – I appreciate Kate’s honest posts about her struggles with infertility. I think it’s important to be honest when dealing with tough situations by showing the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s how we stay true to ourselves.

3. Recurrently Lost – This blogger is also as open and honest as it gets. I haven’t wrote about some of the struggles with my in-law’s following my miscarriage but I can somewhat relate to this blogger in her struggles with family in this tough world of loss.

4. Hang Your Hopes From Trees – This blog captures how your life, values, and beliefs can be changed in an instant. How miscarriage changes who you are.

5. Womb Warrior – I love her humor and how she is so real about the messy “stuff” that goes along with miscarriage.

6. A Hundred Affections – Kate is such a sweet soul. So encouraging while also struggling. She keeps my mind focus on the most important part of all of this. God and my relationship with Him.

7. My Life As A Case Study – Again, I love her humor and ability to advocate so strongly for herself.

8. Sailing On Uncharted Waters – I know she’s been nominated but like I said earlier, there are some blogs I could not NOT put on my list. She’s funny, real, and not afraid to say what others are thinking.

9. Eli’s Corner – She commented on one of my posts that my feelings weren’t who I am. This has helped so much with my healing. I realized I am to hard on myself and her comment helped in that area.

10. My MMC Story – She wrote a post about miscarriage and already having children. (Any many other posts that are encouraging.)  This post was something that helped me understand that it doesn’t matter what the hell else you have going on in your life (good or bad) miscarriage is a gut-wrenching, heartbreaking experience no matter what. It helped validate my experience but also to have empathy for others.

Still Riding This Ride

WOW, with these roller coaster emotions, the days seem to draaaaggg on. There are good days and there are bad days and the bad days are completely unpredictable. (The psych in me wants to track and analyze the what, when, and where.) Right after my miscarriage, I blamed the crying and sadness on my hormones. Now that my cycle is seemingly and amazingly right back on track, I can’t blame it on the hormones anymore. I blame it on grief and dang it, grief is unpredictable. One day is great, the next is miserable. And miserable might be putting it mildly. Is that normal?

Two months ago I had a miscarriage and it’s still a daily struggle. Before I was pregnant, I never thought that if I had a miscarriage, that I would still be struggling this much two months down the road. It just goes to show that if you haven’t been through this unfortunate journey, you can’t truly know what it is like. That’s how I’m choosing to look at this, as a journey because if I think day-to-day and live too much in the present, it isn’t good. 

So enough with the Sad Sally because before my miscarriage, this isn’t at all who I was. Today I realized that I haven’t been finding joy in the little things. Like fall weather, crafting, (decaf) coffee after dinner, cooking for my husband, sleeping in, reading my Bible, reading magazines, buying nail polish, playing with my pets, and hugging my husband. I did all of these things today and was mindful of the little things. 

There are no words to explain how much I appreciate those who also share their thoughts and stories. There are days when I feel so alone and hate the thoughts I have. Realizing that I am not alone and that there are others who have been through this or worse really helps. I’ve said it before, I am so sorry if you are going through or have gone through this grief. Again there are no words. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

 

Acceptance

As I continue to move towards acceptance and seek out support and others’ stories, I find I have a lot to be thankful for. My miscarriage was natural, no medical intervention required. I was only 6 weeks along; others have had miscarriages after hearing the babies heartbeat and after giving the baby a name. 

 

A blighted ovum is what my doctor called it. Mother nature screening out weakness so that in a matter of months I can have a healthy baby? Is a few months really all that bad of a trade off? In order to have a healthy baby? 

 

Some of the most heartbreaking stories I have read have been women who have had multiple miscarriages. I can’t imagine the strength it takes to endure that pain of miscarriage multiple times. I honestly don’t know if I’d be strong enough. And even thinking about trying to get pregnant again scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to go through this again. I just don’t want to. 

 

So I’ve been doing what I think is best. Taking time off for myself. Crying til my eyes are dry. Watching lots of TV to distract my crazy mind. Eating Oreo’s because it helps (it really does :)) Letting friends support me. Slacking on dishes and laundry. Because I feel if I don’t properly grieve this miscarriage, it will sneak up and bite me later. 

 

My doctor had wanted to see me for a follow up; it was supposed to be my second sonogram. I broke down with the nurse when she asked about the sonogram. My doctor came in and was so supportive. She shared my exact thoughts. “People who shouldn’t have babies have them. I’ve done the right things. Why did this happen to me?” She also shared she’s been through this. I think the fact that I know I’m not alone in this experience is the biggest consolation. What a crappy consolation right?? If you have been through this, I’M SO SORRY. I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone. 

 

And now….. Grey’s Anatomy marathon on Lifetime? I think I will. 

 

-Alexis