Today

Today my thoughts are with all the momma’s who have faced loss. It still hurts. It still sucks. It’s still the most broken I’ve ever been. I still cry. I still think about my baby. And I know you do too.

Andie is 5 months

What an incredibly fast 5 months. This little girl has just bloomed. Her personality is coming out and she’s doing something new everyday. She is simply amazing and I am so very lucky.

Things have been less than stellar with my in laws. I wish I could just quit caring. I think they thought that me getting pregnant and having a baby would fix anything which proves they didn’t understand my struggle at all. Oh well. My original due date was this month. I don’t question what if anymore because then I wouldn’t have Andie. I hope ALL of you are well. And I am so happy for those who have recently welcomed their rainbow babies! And for the momma’s still trying for their take home baby, my heart is with you.

3 Months

Andie is now 3 months old. There hasn’t been much to update on. Luckily she’s developing typically, we haven’t had any trouble with breastfeeding, and she gets fussy like all babies do. I did return to work and that was awful! The guilt consumed me for days leading up to it. I went back just for a week before Christmas break and then got another 2 weeks. It wasn’t as bad going back after the break, so much happens between 8 and 12 weeks. She wasn’t like a little newborn any more. She can hold her head up, she’s very strong! She loves standing up and looking around, she’s very nosey! She has the most beautiful eyes and crazy hair. She is everything I wanted. Sure there are times in the middle of the night when I just wanna sleep and she’s up but she’s worth it all. My husband has been great since I returned to work. He will get up once in the night to give her a bottle so I can get one good chunk of sleep. I still have days where I feel guilty and want to throw the towel in with work but for now I’ll count down the weeks to summer.

Christmas this year with my in-laws was much different. But not really. I’m healed (although I still get sad thinking about the baby I lost) but their dysfunctional family dynamics are still there. I continue to play my role as a communicator within the family but I’ll never feel like I am a member of the family again. And that’s ok. I have my own little family and that’s all that matters.

One of my good friends, who has recently had two miscarriage (three in total), found out she is pregnant. She goes for an ultrasound tomorrow. I don’t know why these things happen. I don’t know if there’s a reason for it. I hate it. So if you could, say a prayer for my friend. I hope all of you are well. I have loved staying up to date with the new babies, new bumps, and personal growth.

Here’s some pictures from Andie’s first few months. Thank you for all the well wishes!

She’s Here

Andersen Elisabeth was born at 5:44 pm on October 16, 2014. She has soooooo much blond hair, it’s crazy. She was 7 lbs 6 oz and 19 inches long. Labor was 11 hours and I did 10 unmedicated!! She’s doing so well with feeding and is healthy. All I could ever ask for. The best birthday present I’ve ever had!

Tomorrow

Well the blood pressure hasn’t gone down and after my doctor spoke with me about the risks of continuing this pregnancy and the risks of inducing, I have agreed to be induced tomorrow.

I don’t want to take any chances with my sweet baby girl. I will start pitocin tomorrow morning around 7:00 am. I’m scared – scared of the pitocin, scared of labor, and scared I won’t be strong enough to do it. But so very excited to meet this active little girl, excited to see what she looks like, and excited to feel the love I have only dreamed of.

Today somewhat brings me full circle. I remember last October 15 – Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I was so broken I couldn’t even write about it. And now, a year later, I’m finally going to be welcoming my love in to the world.

I pray for strength for all of you mommies who have lost little ones, no matter how little they were.

Almost There

I’ve been terrible! I do check in with how all of you are doing daily. But life has been insane. Still no excuse.

**All Pregnancy Related**

I am currently 38 weeks 2 days pregnant. Pregnancy has been pretty good to me thus far. I have had some back issues and heartburn but honestly, no complaints. I did have a little scare this week when I went to the doctor, my blood pressure was high. I had had a terrible day at work and the doctor sent me to labor and delivery to be monitored. There was a fetal decel during this time so I had to have an ultrasound and was there for about 4 hours alone. Because of this and because they only do one induction a day, they put me on the schedule to induce next Friday (October 17, my birthday is October 18!!) if my blood pressure remains high. I really think it was just stressed induced – my job is killer. It’s constant stress and part of the reason I’ve been MIA. By the time I get home at night, I’m done. Anyway – I’m hoping things will be better when I see my doctor next week and we might not have to do the induction route. I’d rather experience all of this naturally. But it was definitely a reality check. This baby is coming and she’s coming very, very soon!

We are as ready as you can be. I’m honestly freaked out. I’ve wanted this for so long but I think there’s nothing that can prepare you for your world to change so drastically. I still can’t believe I will be a mom. It’s crazy considering at this time last year, I never thought it would happen. Though I’ve faced a different journey than all of you, I do want to say that you should never give up hope. I gave it up too quickly and was miserable. No matter how it happens, you will become a mother.

Thank you for all of your support, thoughts, and prayers. I can’t wait to share the little one with you in a short number of days.

Here’s a picture from 34 weeks. I’m feeling and looking MUCH more pregnant these days. Ready for her to be here!

Settling In

***Pregnancy update post***

I am almost 26 weeks. So that means we have passed viability!!!! I think I mentioned in an earlier post that the baby is measuring 4 days ahead and in the 95th percentile in weight so today at my doctor appointment, my OB ordered another ultrasound because my belly is measuring ahead as well. I’m excited to get another chance to see our little girl again. Have I shared that we picked out a name?? Andersen Elisabeth. We’ll probably call her Andie. There wasn’t much of a debate although Scott like Lauren best but for now it’s Andersen.

Something my counselor suggested to me early on in this pregnancy was to wait to worry about things until it was time. I really took that to heart and it helped me get from milestone to milestone. But it wasn’t until the viability milestone that I’ve started to settle in to being pregnant and began to enjoy it. I’ve been very thankful since the beginning but the worry and anxiety made it hard to enjoy it at times. Around 20 weeks I started to think, “What if nothing is wrong” instead of thinking about all that could go wrong. So the last month has really been different and a definite welcomed change.

I never really bought in to the whole nesting concept but WOW…. the last week I have been going crazy making lists of things that need to be done in the house before the baby comes. I think part of it might be that I start work August 1, which I’m so excited about.

I’ve been blessed with an uneventful pregnancy (minus the tooth crisis which is finally OVER!!!!) and I’m glad I’m finally able to enjoy this time. Thank you for all the well wishes and support.

Saturday will be one year since my miscarriage. What a long freaking year – wow. I’ve grown so much as a person and wife since last year. I still wish I didn’t have to know what it’s like to lose a pregnancy and I still wonder why. I think I will always have these feelings when I think about what I experienced. But I’m sure when the baby comes, it might help me be closer to understanding that she wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t lost my pregnancy last year.

A Long Year

Five years ago I married my husband. I was 23 years old and had been with him since I was 19 years old. I really had no idea what I was doing but I knew I loved him. And I …

Eventful

This describes my life in the last month and a half. 

First there was the tooth crisis that is still on-going. The root canal relieved the pain for me but they weren’t able to finish the root canal in one day so I had to return a month later. I am still having soreness from this procedure I had last week.

Then there has been appointments of all kinds – doctor, hair, counseling, you name it. I saved it all for this summer and I have been busy!! 

All is well with baby girl. The 20-week ultrasound show no abnormalities. She’s measuring in the 95th percentile in weight and 4 days ahead so we may have another ultrasound to check her size in a couple of months. Due date is still set for October 23. Otherwise all is well and I’m so very thankful for this. 

Lastly, there have been ongoing issues with my in-laws. If you’ve read for a while, you’ll know there’s a history and a deep pain in my relationship with them following my miscarriage. I had made some efforts to resolve this and it was….. for a while. 

My mother-in-law didn’t seem to be very interested in this pregnancy and every comment was about how it related to her daughter’s pregnancy or the baby that was born just a week after my due date. I just want to be an individual. I moved to my husband’s hometown so he could work for the family business. When I go in public, I am always asked about my in-laws. To risk sounding selfish – it’s never about me, it’s about how I’m a part of this family that’s fairly well known in this community. I’ve fought for this pregnancy. I just wanted it to be recognized independently of any one else. So I let it get to my head and became a crazy mess (like really crazy y’all, ugly cray). Then my mother-in-law got very sick – either from her chemotherapy treatments or the cancer. She was in the hospital for a week and prior to my husband and I visiting (four days time), I hadn’t contacted her because 1) she was sick and 2) I don’t know the proper etiquette of texting or calling someone in the hospital. Well this was noticed by my father-in-law and I was given an ultimatum to contact her. This was actually after I had contacted her to see if she needed anything from her home, as we were headed to visit her that same day. So I became very emotional again. But I still went and realized the situation with her health was much more severe than my husband had lead me to believe. She slowly recovered and is now at home, preparing for another round of chemotherapy. 

Amazingly and fortunately, I had scheduled a counseling session for the next day after we visited. I had done this because I was still struggling with my fears and anxiety about this pregnancy, approaching the one year mark since my miscarriage, and the emotional episodes I was having due to my in-laws. Thank GOD I had this appointment. There are no words to describe how much of an impact this hour of my life has made on me and my healing in the last two weeks.

I filled her in and we talked about my expectations and how I act in certain ways with strings attached to these actions, expecting that his family will respond in a certain way. (Inviting his mother to our elective ultrasound was a big step in me mending our relationship. She didn’t go therefore I felt like she didn’t care.) And we spoke about my feelings of rejection due to their lack of support following my miscarriage. “Did they really reject you? Or is this something that you’ve made up in your mind?” Hmmmmm I had never thought of it that way. It had always been black and white – they had rejected and abandoned me when I needed them the most. But were they ever even capable and equipped for what I needed? I’m not excusing them from everything but I do think my feelings of rejected were self-perpetuated. They do care for me – they just show it in different ways than I show care for others (I get very nice gifts but not so much on the emotional front). So she talked with me about behaving in a way in which I have no strings attached to these behaviors. Do it because I want to and because that’s the kind of person I am. And because I want to do it for my marriage. These people are his family after all. 

So since this session, the healing has been amazing. I have been active in the family and I always keep in mind that I am doing it for myself. And I’ve taken the power away from them. It’s all about me and my choices. And I’ve chosen to be supportive for my mother-in-law. I’ve chosen to interact with my sister-in-law when she’s visited. I’ve chosen to hold my niece and begin bonding with her. She’s becoming a person to me. Not just a baby born a week after my due date. And I feel extremely peaceful and happy but most of all proud. 

I honestly never thought I’d get to this point. I thought I would never recover in my relationship with my in-laws and that it would always affect my marriage and my children. I didn’t want to be that person. And I’ve found resolution in a way that I will not be that person. 

Jumbled

This post is going to be a bit of a mess. I’ll start with the bad. That dental work I had last week? Well it awoke a “sleeping giant” as my dentist called it. The tooth next to it is a tooth I had a root canal on about 6 years ago. Apparently it wasn’t done correctly and it’s now causing me a great amount of pain. It started out dull and it’s progressed to radiating through my jaw and my whole head. I broke down and started taking Tylenol, which relieves the pain completely for about 6 hours at a time. I’m disappointed because I wanted to avoid taking medication but I know the pain isn’t good either. Anyway I’ve been referred to a specialist who has a 65% success rate with re-treat root canals so we are going to give it a try Thursday. If he gets in there and it doesn’t look like it will be successful then they will do an extraction and a bone graft so that I can have an implant. Blahhhhh. I could use some prayers. 

At church yesterday, one of the young members who will be graduating high school next weekend gave the Message. She spoke about moving on and it was mainly directed at her peers but I was surprised how much I connected with this. And how emotional I became. I never thought I’d be moving on to this part of my life. After the struggles I faced. It’s finally time. (Well almost.) But the whole time I was also thinking about the journey to get here, as well as those I’ve connected with during this time. When I didn’t have support (well minimal) in my real life, I found it here. I received my first Mother’s Day gift from one of you amazing ladies. I cannot express what this gesture, as well as all gestures mean to me. Thank you. The young lady (I feel so old using that term but she was composed and conducted herself like a lady) ended with Jeremiah 29:11-12.

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

I was very overwhelmed by this. I’ve been praying a lot lately and with this has come a sense of peace. I know things are going in a good direction right now but I really am at a place of peace. This baby will truly be a rainbow baby. I was faced with a storm for a reason but I am surely glad it’s clearing up. I hope that if you are still struggling to move on to the next step that you can put faith into the plan God has for you. And I hope your prayers are answered.

Now to the good news. The ultrasound showed a wiggly baby GIRL. I had really thought it was a boy so I was a bit surprised. This wasn’t a diagnostic ultrasound but baby looked good – head was nice and round, fingers and toes all there. We are very happy and I pray she continues to develop and grow to be a healthy girl. We will have the diagnostic ultrasound next month sometime. She did give us the middle finger though – my husband said, “That’s how I knew she was mine.” 

Prayers for all of you 🙂